The Honeymoon is OVER!

These last couple of days have presented themselves as a challenge that I hadn't anticipated...I've been in a growth period that I believe is sent right from my Father, but it sure hasn't been roses and rainbows to go through...

I was having issues with getting, and staying, on track with healthy nutrition...Now, I'm not usually an Oprah fan, but last Thursday (?) her guests were past contestants/winners of "The Biggest Loser" and I was curious as to their status...so I DVR'd it and watched it on Friday. If you recall, Friday was Halloween and I had stuffed myself with candy ALL DAY. Yep, I hadn't stopped a minute all day...

As I watched the program after work, something hit me...HARD...between the eyes. Someone mentioned the emotional turmoil that many felt while at "the Ranch" during filming...and stressed that finding out the psychological reasons that one ate too much food was even more important than learning about healthy eating and exercise. For some reason, a moment of clarity shot through my brain....

I have overeaten to comfort myself...I've said this before, but something tripped in me and I recalled so many episodes of needing comfort, and it not being recognized...and being unable to ask for it...It wasn't that I was unwilling. I just didn't know it was ok to go to my parents and say "I am hurting. Would you hold me?" They were VERY young when I was born and the standards of the day didn't dictate that children were taught these types of things...Too vividly, I can see myself sobbing into my pillow and not being able to ask for help.

Not only that, I know my DM has spoken of her own DM "crying at the drop of a hat" and she doesn't respect that in her at all. I'm sure tears were a sign of weakness or manipulation to her. So, stay strong and don't cry, or I'll give you something to cry about.

So, I learned that overeating can numb emotions. Sweets taste good and can take my mind off my troubles...Food was part of every celebration, so more of it couldn't be bad...Right?

WRONG! The food has not served me well as a pacifier. The pain still surfaces from whatever I was attempting to avoid...Not only that, I didn't learn how to deal with the pain.

The guiding force in my life is my Heavenly Father. At the time of my clarity, I recognized that He tells me to "call upon Me in the day of trouble...I WILL DELIVER you and you will honor Me". I've been using a visualization of His loving arms encompassing me when life situations or temptations have arisen that last couple of days...AND I FINALLY have a few days of healthy eating under my belt (that seemed to be humorous when it came to mind..."under my belt"...haha)

Let me tell you, it hasn't made life circumstances be smooth and in order either...It's just helped me to feel comforted during the times things feel uncontrollable or painful. My DS1 called on Saturday to say he WON'T be coming home for Thanksgiving because he's being shipped off to Iraq early. As I was hit with his words, my visualization was put into use to keep me from feeling alone and deserted, in the pain...I also chose to spend some extra time in meditational reading from the Bible and in prayer.

Today has been exhausting from the time I stepped into work until leaving. I had to eat alone in my office because I had a conversation with a co-worker that had me crying...But, you know what? It's ok to cry when needed...I've had a LOT of stressful life occurrences lately and I am human. God gave me these emotions, as well as love and happiness...I can't just have some of them...

I feel better now after having gotten through all this and will enjoy my workout with the trainer...and I'm grateful to have had this enlightening! Even with the pain, is growth. That's what I'm in this for...I wasn't happy numbing the pain, because it numbed the joy too!

Love and Peace to all,
Margaret